ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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