So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
