Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
