I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
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We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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