Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
