Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
