I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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