i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
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You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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