took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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