Cold hands, warm shart.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
