his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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