you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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