I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
