Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
