Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
