Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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