she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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