this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
