i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
