I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
