we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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