Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
