Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
