Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
