So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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