This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
