Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
