i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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