Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
