wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
