shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
