two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
