hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
