Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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