Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
