i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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