Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
