as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
