Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
