Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
