So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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