why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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