just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize