You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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