the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
