There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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