I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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