mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
