I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
