i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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