dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
