Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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