Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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