Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
