So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
