if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
