that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
