And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
