she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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