I'm drive I can fine osifer
it was like having sex with a tree stump
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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